So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
