I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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