He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize