After last night, I could never be a politician.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I wear drunk well.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
