I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
