Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
