So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
