Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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