Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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