Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
