Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
