I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
If that was your dad, he is hot
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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