im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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