oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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