he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I know her cup size but not her name....
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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