My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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