How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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