remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
