a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
