my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
