Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
