How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
