Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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