Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
