Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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