She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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