i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
