Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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