u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
