1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
