oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
