so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
