Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
