i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Quick, to the slutcave!
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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