my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
