so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
