she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize