Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
too bad you live with your parents still
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
