mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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