is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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