The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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