Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize