i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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