They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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