I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
