it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
