If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
