All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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