She is in my trunk
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize