Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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