i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
