census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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