I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
