I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Are we still banned from the library?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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